


you only tell me you love me when i'm asleep

by llostt_in_ttranslationn



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Oops, a little angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-09 03:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14708163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llostt_in_ttranslationn/pseuds/llostt_in_ttranslationn
Summary: Cheaters never win and life is just one big game.





	1. If We Were Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Wowza it has been a long time. I'm so so sorry that I have left everyone hanging with my stories but it's almost summer and this is me trying to get back into the swing of writing so I can get back to writing I Want to Hate You and the Way My Heart Feels. That being said, this is kinda rushed and poorly written in some places but I thought I should post it anyways. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (chapters titled based off songs that inspired them)

Christen isn't an idiot. She knows Kelley is cheating on her.  
  
They've been together for nearly seven years and Christen doesn't really know where her life would be without Kelley in it.  
  
So she ignores the late nights and lingering perfume that neither of them uses and the faint marks she knows she didn't leave. Because Kelley has never missed an anniversary or been late to a date or made Christen feel unwanted. Kelley still kisses her like she did back when their love was pure infatuation. She still does that thing with her fingers and her tongue at the same time that makes Christen tremble with pleasure. She still makes Christen breakfast on Saturdays and wakes her with kisses on Mondays.  
  
Sometimes Christen can pretend things are the way they used to be. When they have biweekly Tuesday dinner dates and take the dogs to the park on Thursday afternoons. When Kelley is screaming Christen's name and tugging on her hair and begging for her not to stop. When they lie in bed with Kelley pressed against Christen's back, holding her tight.  
  
And yeah, maybe Kelley's grin isn't as soft as it was six years ago, and maybe she doesn't giggle like a schoolgirl when Christen compliments her anymore. But she's all Christen has known for so long. One little (ongoing) indiscretion isn't gonna ruin them. she's still the girl Christen fell in love with all those years ago.  
  
So, yeah. Christen lets Kelley get away with coming home a little extra late on Wednesdays. She lets her blush at those inapropriatly timed texts. She lets her fuck Alex Morgan in the bathroom of the club they went to a couple months ago. Christen lets Kelley cheat. because at the end of the day, Kelley is hers.  
  
Even though she knows the past year or so Kelley has been sneaking around. She doesn't know when or how things started, but she doesn't blame Kelley for going after Alex. According to some of Kelley's childhood friends, they had a budding tension since the 7th grade, but never explored their chemistry. And then college came around and Christen popped into the picture and things were history. For a while, anyways.  
  
Christen ignores the way Kelley ignores her sister's phone calls. She ignores the harsh whispers whenever she leaves Kelley and Erin to talk when the older woman comes over for dinner. She ignores Erin's sad eyes. She thinks Erin knows. And by the little shake of her head when Christen just shrugs when Erin scolds her sister, she thinks Erin knows she knows too. The tight hugs from Erin don't stop but Christen won't pit Erin against Kelley by voicing their knowledge.  
  
Everything is fine.  
  
Until one day it's not.

Kelley comes home fuming, slamming doors and kicking discarded shoes. She ignores Christen's questions, brushes her off and goes right to the spare bedroom, locking the door. Christen pretends she doesn't hear Kelley sobbing half the night as she sits up all night with the other woman just a wall away.

The next day Kelley is fine. But Alex doesn't hang around them much for a while. Christen doesn't ask why (she already knows). Gradually, Kelleys occasional breakdowns stop, and Alex rejoins their Sunday brunches with a grin as bright as ever and a less guilty look in her eyes.  
  
A few months after that, Kelley gets distant again. She relapses, Christen knows. But not too long passes before Alex shows up to Sunday brunch one day with someone new.  
  
"I'm Tobin", the girl introduces herself with a bright smile and innocent eyes, naive to what she has been thrown into the middle of. Christen is intrigued instantly, listening to the smooth voice as she explains how she and Alex met six months ago (right around the time Kelley's stormy behavior began) but didn't make anything official until recently.  
  
_This poor girl_ , Christen thinks to herself. She's enamored by Alex but has no idea why Kelley takes an instant disliking to her or why Alex flaunts her a little extra on Sundays.

Christen wants to warn her. But she doesn't. Not even when Kelley starts staying late on Wednesdays again smelling different and hiding light bruises on her neck. It's selfish, she knows. But she doesn't want to lose Kelley if Tobin explodes on Alex. So she keeps quiet for three months.  
  
The first time Kelley misses a date because of "work" is when Christen rethinks everything.  
  
So one night when she's drunk at a club and Kelley and Alex have disappeared somewhere and she sees Tobin hiding away at the bar, she walks up to the brown eyed beauty.  
  
"You wanna fuck?"  
  
"Excuse me?" Tobin lets out a nervous chuckle as Christen steps even closer, nearly pressing against Tobin.  
  
"We can go fuck in the bathroom in the stall next to Kelley an Alex. See who can moan loudest."  
  
"Are you okay?" Tobin reaches out to steady Christen as the other woman falters a bit.  
   
This time, Christen does press herself against Tobin, gliding her hand all over Tobin's torso. Tobin is too paralyzed to do anything about it.  
  
"I bet you're pretty good with those hands, aren't you? Mmm and that tongue could work wonders on me," Kelley hadn't been in the mood for sex a lot recently (at least not with Christen) and Christen will admit she's as horny as a teenage boy with his first girlfriend.  
  
She notices how Tobin's body relaxes and melts into Christen's touch, proving she's at least a little into Christen as well.  
  
Christen is proud of that, because she's thought Tobin was hot since the moment she laid eyes on her.  
  
She knows the other woman is stark sober, being the designated driver for the night, so when she doesn't pull away when Christen smashes their lips together, Christen feels high.  
  
Tongue is introduced, and Christen would be embarrassed about the fact that she's already beginning to get wet, but she's too enthralled with Tobin to care.  
  
One of them has to come to their senses, and apparently, it's Tobin, because she pulls away when Christen's hands begin drifting south. They are, after all, still in the middle of a bar.  
  
"Take me home?" Christen husks into Tobin's ear.  
  
"If you call me tomorrow and you still want this, then maybe. But I doubt you'll have any recollection of this at all."  
  
Christen remembers. But she pretends she doesn't for a little while, knowing she's been foolish.  
  
The second time Kelley cancels a date, Christen calls Tobin.  
  
"I'm horny and alone and I need somebody inside me asap."  
  
"Um..."  
  
"At the bar a few weeks ago, you told me if I remembered, then you'd fuck me. I'm calling in that favor now."  
  
"Uh, okay then. I'll be over in fifteen minutes."  
  
"Make it ten and you'll get to cum first."  
  
Tobin makes it there in eight, and she moans louder than Christen expected, but fucks her better than Christen could have hoped. Tobin slips away not too long after she's gained her strength back.  
  
Neither of them bring it up until the next time when it's Tobin calling desperately.  
  
"Please."  
  
Christen has never finished someone off so fast before, and Kelley is notorious for being a quick trigger for her first orgasm.  
  
Tobin on the other hand, likes to drag things out with Christen for as long as possible (it happens on multiple more occasions in future months).  
  
Strangely, Sunday brunch is no more awkward then usual even though there's a whole hell of a lot of adultery going on.  
  
"I think we need to be done."  
  
Kelley looks up from her book to make eye contact with Christen on the other side of the couch.  
  
"What?"  
  
Christen is a little shocked herself, but after the quiet _"holy fuck I think I might love you,"_ Tobin mumbled when she thought Christen was asleep the previous night after at least three rounds was enough to make up Christen's mind.  
  
"Kelley. I love you, so much. But we can't go on like this," Christen speaks slowly, trying to give herself more time to think about what she wants to say next.  
  
"Christen, no," Christen falters a little at those sad hazel eyes.  
  
Christen sucks in a sharp breath, not knowing what to say.

Kelley continues speaking before Christen has to figure it out. "Please, baby. I'll be better I swear. Don't leave me Chris. Please... please."  
  
Heat pumps through Christen as she tries to keep her emotions in check.  
  
She needs this. They both do.  
  
"No."  
  
"No?" Kelley repeats, as if she had thought Christen would give in so easily. She probably had.  
  
"Kel, I'm turning twenty seven soon. I want to settle down and have a family. I would have loved to do that with you, but at this point we're only together because it's all we know. And I can't do it anymore," Christen forces herself to main eye contact.  
  
"Where is this even coming from?" Kelley asks.  
  
"You and Alex."  
  
Kelley tilts her head and furrows her eyebrows. "What does Alex have to do with this?"  
  
"Don't pull that bullshit, kelley!" Christen snaps. "I'm not naive to the fact you've been cheating on me with her. For years now."  
  
"I don't..." Kelley trails off.  
  
Christen wonders how the other woman was going to finish that sentence.  
  
Instead, "I'm sorry."  
  
"I know," Christen reaches out to rest her hand on Kelley's knee. "Me too."  
  
Kelley's confused head tilt returns. "Why?"  
  
Christen is quiet.  
  
"Who?" Kelley presses.  
  
"Tobin."  
  
Kelley let's out a harsh chuckle. "That's rich, Christen. You can't act like the victim here if you've been cheating, too."  
  
"I only started when I knew I'd already lost you," Christen clips back.  
  
Kelley softens. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen."  
  
"I know," christen squeezes Kelleys knee. "I know... It's okay."  
  
(It's not.)  
  
"How do we do this?" Kelley wonders. "I don't know how to live with out you."  
  
"I don't think we could ever leave each other's lives completely," Christen agrees. "We'll always be friends."  
  
"Who's gonna move out?"  
  
"No one, yet," Christen says. "You can move into the guest room. We'll take it slow."  
  
"Friends," Kelley nods. "We can do friends."  
  
Christen nods.  
  
"Can I have one last kiss?" Kelley asks softly, hoping Christen won't get mad.  
  
Christen shifts closer, pressing her lips against Kelley's as she finally lets the tears spill out of her eyes.  
  
They remain in a tight embrace for a long while, not yet ready to let go, even though they know they have to.  
  
It's gonna be fine. They can be happy now. They can get their girls. They can ignore the wrongful starting of relationships. This will be good for all of them.  
  
It's been almost two weeks and Christen hasn't seen or heard from Tobin. She's not too worried. Sometimes they have to go a little while without talking.  
  
She's not sure if Kelley has been in contact with Alex or not.  
  
Well, not until Kelley comes storming home from work one night. Slamming doors and kicking discarded shoes as she storms to the guest room she now resides in permanently. She slams the door but Christen doesn't hear the lock click, so she follows.  
  
Kelley is curled up on top of the covers, shoulders shaking with sobs  
  
"Kel?"  
  
"Have you talked to Tobin recently?" Kelley asks.  
  
"No," Christen says. "Why?"  
  
Kelley sucks in a deep breath. "Alex proposed."  
  
Christen's heart stops. Time slows. It feels as though she's been electrocuted.  
  
"What... what did she say?"  
  
Maybe there's hope.  
  
Kelley shakes her head with a frown, and it's all Christen needs.  
  
Christen's legs fail her and she tumbles to the ground with a sob.  
  
So many questions. Why? How? Why?  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Christen barely hears Kelley as she pulls herself together and stands up. She doesn't look at Kelley as she storms out, phone dialing as she walks out of the apartment.  
  
Tobin doesn't get a word out when she answers before Christen begins ranting.  
  
"What the fuck Tobin? One night you're whispering that you love me and then you're agreeing to marry Alex? Why? I left Kelley, by the way. I thought just maybe you'd leave Alex too. But I guess not. I guess I was wrong about you, Tobin. I thought you were different. I guess that was stupid of me. God, I'm so fucking stupid. I can't believe I got myself into this mess. Have a good life with her, Tobin. I hope you're ready to spend all your time wondering if she's actually at a meeting or if she's out fucking someone else."

Christen hangs up before she lets Tobin speak. She knows the other woman would talk her down. Use that smooth talk she's got to drag Christen back.  
  
Christen is done. She's done. She's so fucking done.  
  
She's so done that she pulls up the schedule at LAX and picks a random flight, buying a ticket to Chicago for a flight that leaves in just a few hours.  
  
She packs a bag and tells Kelley not to worry, and then she's gone.  
  
Goodbye Kelley, goodbye Tobin, goodbye California, goodbye troubles.


	2. Happier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad so many of you seem to like this, even though it's a bit out of my style. Enjoy!

Chicago is exactly what Christen needed.  
  
It's colder than L.A. but it's still a breath of fresh air for her.  
  
One week turns into two, and two turns into four, and soon Christen has been there for several months. She takes a few trips to L.A. to slowly move her belongings to her new apartment.  
  
Her family and friends are concerned, but they see she's happy, so they don't say much of anything. They chalk it up to the fact that Christen needed space from Kelley, but Kelley ended up being the person she talks to the most now that she's gone.  
  
Never about Tobin, though, who Christen has blocked just about everywhere. Christen doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to care.  
  
(She still does.)  
  
Until one day, she doesn't.  
  
Chicago brings something brighter than the L.A. sun.  
  
It brings Julie. Bright, bubbly, blonde Julie who is everything Christen needs in the moment.  
  
It's fun. It's light and happy and there's no cheating. Just the two of them having some fun.  
  
It's late one night when Christen realizes that this is what happy feels like. She's in Julie's arms after a late night of passion and she's so, _so_ happy.  
  
She hasn't been this happy in a long time. They go on cutesy dates and kiss and cuddle and do all the things Christen hadn't done in the past two years, with Tobin or Kelley. It's amazing. For a few months it's all Christen wants, all she needs. She might be in love again. She might be healing.  
  
(She is.)  
  
Until one day, she isn't.  
  
Because on a random Sunday afternoon, Christen sees tan skin, honey hair, and golden eyes.  
  
She sees Tobin.  
  
Walking right into the yoga studio Christen works at.  
  
Walking right up to christen.  
  
Christen feels as if she might pass out. Maybe she's dreaming. Maybe she'll wake up in Julie's arms if she blinks hard enough.  
  
But she doesn't, and now Tobin's lips are moving.  
  
"I finally found you."  
  
Christen just stares, shocked.  
  
"Kelley wouldn't tell me where you went, and your family didn't know me. I tried everything. I called you, I texted you, I even emailed you. But I got nothing. Nothing. For six months. Six fucking months! I didn't say yes. She only tried to propose when I told her i was leaving. I chose you. I wanted you. I loved you. I still fucking do. But you left. You left. And you were gone. And it fucking hurt me."  
  
Christen doesn't think she's taken a breath since Tobin started speaking.  
  
She doesn't know what to do with all this information. It doesn't matter, right? She's moved on, right? She has Julie. Tobin is bad for her. She's started fresh and is finally happy.  
  
Who does Tobin think she is, coming in here like this.  
  
"No."  
  
Tobin blinks slowly. "No?"  
  
"I'm not doing this right now, Tobin. I've moved on. I don't need you and you don't need me. Go back to Alex, to anyone who isn't me," Christen turns away, trying to walk away from her problems because that's apparently all she's good at these days.  
  
But Tobin gently latches onto her arm. "No. You don't get to run away again!"  
  
Christen swivels back. "We were a mistake, Tobin."  
  
"Don't you dare fucking say that," Tobin's voice is eerily calm and it kind of scares Christen.  
  
"I love someone else," Christen says harshly.  
  
(Lie #1)  
  
"I don't love you."  
  
(Lie #2)  
  
"I never did."  
  
(Lie #3)  
  
Tobin let's out a strangled laugh. "Okay. Okay, fine. But if you change your mind, my number is still the same. I'm in town until Saturday. I look forward to hearing from you."  
  
Christen glares at her back as she walks away. how could Tobin do that? Act like she knows Christen is going to crawl back. She won't.  
  
She won't.  
  
(She does.)

Julie starts acting weird on Tuesday. Acting distant and far too similiar to how Kelley used to act.  
  
Christen knows instantly.  
  
"Who?" she asks at dinner on Friday, after three more days of uncharacteristic behavior from Julie.  
  
"Huh?" Julie asks.  
  
"Who are you cheating on me with?" Christen clarifies.  
  
"I'm not cheating on you."  
  
"Yes you are," Christen disagrees. "I'd like to know who. As closure before I pack up my things and go back to my apartment."  
  
"Christen you're acting crazy," Julie says.  
  
"Mmm, maybe. But I've been through this before so you can tell me or not, but denying it isn't gonna stop me from leaving," Christen stands up, bringing her empty plate to the kitchen, still watching Julie, who sits silently.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Me too," Christen sighs. "Why the fuck does this always happen tho me?" she mutters to herself as she slowly collects all of the things she had left at Julie's apartment.  
  
She can feel Julie's eyes on her, hear the other woman's sniffles, but she doesn't pause.  
  
When she's got everything tucked into her purse, she faces Julie for a final time.  
  
"Who?" she repeats her original question.  
  
"My ex, Zach," Julie admits quietly. "It'll never happen again, please stay."  
  
"I've heard that one too many times. Sorry,  Jules. Maybe we can be friends," Christen presses a soft kiss to Julie's lips before turning and heading out the door without looking back.  
  
Christen knows Tobin's phone number by heart, and she doesn't hesitate to text her as soon as she climbs into her car.  
  
Once she knows what hotel Tobin is staying at,  she drives there as fast as possible and is knocking on Tobin's door in twenty minutes.  
  
Tobin opens the door with a smirk that immediately drops when she sees the tears streaming down Christen's face.  
  
Christen collapses into Tobin's arms. "Every goddamn time."  
  
Tobin helps Christen inside and slips onto the bed with her, holding the green eyed beauty in her arms as tears stream out and give those eyes a glossy sparkle.  
  
"What happened?" Tobin asks quietly, all smugness having vanished at the sight of her love in pain.  
  
"She cheated on me," Christen sobs out.  
  
"Oh," Tobin lets the word slip out of her mouth. "I'm sorry."  
  
"At least you could never cheat on me," Christen chokes out a chuckle. "Since, y'know, we were both already cheating with each other."  
  
"Shh, honey. Listen to my heartbeat. Breathe with me," Tobin holds Christen tighter to her chest.  
  
It doesn't take Christen long to be lulled into a sleep-like state, but she's not gone enough not to hear Tobin's murmmured "I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually gonna end this here, but I figured I'd add a short little happy resolution chapter just because I know I would want it if I was reading this


	3. Flicker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I would consider this "happy" but maybe a little hopeful as a way to even out the angst of the past couple chapters. Enjoy!

"I love you too," Christen whispers, drifting into a deeper sleep before she can feel Tobin's heartbeat skyrocket.  
  
"It's gonna be okay, baby," Tobin runs her fingers through Christen's hair. "I'm gonna make sure everything is okay for you."  
  
it may be a little too assuming, but Tobin cancels her flight home. She's going to stay with Christen, try to convince the woman to return back to L.A. Back home.  
  
Tobin barely sleeps that night. She watches over Christen as she sleeps, makes sure the other woman doesn't wake up dazed and confused. But she can't completely stay awake all night, so she drifts in and out of sleep until Christen begins to stir at seven.  
  
"Toby?" Christen jolts up.  
  
"I'm right here, Chris," Tobin reaches out to soothe the other woman, pulling her closer.  
  
"I'm sorry," Christen whispers. "I'm so sorry. I'm awful. I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I left you. You were all I wanted and I can't believe i could have had you but I ran away instead."  
  
"It's okay, Chris. I'm yours if you still want me."  
  
"I do," Christen buries her head into Tobin's chest.  
  
She mumbles something that Tobin can't quite understand, but it's accompanied by a tight squeeze so Tobin doesn't ask for her to repeat it.  
  
"You only tell me you love me when I'm asleep," Christen says.  
  
"I love you," Tobin declares. "I have loved you since the day you came up to me in that bar and propositioned me for sex."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Tobin grins.  
  
It's quiet for a moment as the duo just smile at each other.  
  
"Wait..." Christen says suddenly. "What happened between Kelley and Alex?"  
  
Tobin chuckles. "Uh, they're juat chilling. I think they're together but they must feel like they're still sneaking around because they've been very discreet."  
  
Christen doesn't really know how she feels about that. She wants to be angry. But she can't be. not if they're happy and she can be too.  
  
"I think Alex convinced Kelley to tell me where you were, actually," Tobin scratches the back of  her neck.  
  
"Oh, I guess I'll have to thank her then."  
  
Tobin shrugs. "Uh, speaking of... Will you come back to L.A. with me?"  
  
Christen chokes on the breath she was taking. "I can't just up and leave my life here."  
  
"You did it once before," Tobin reminds her.  
  
"That was different!"  
  
"Not really."  
  
Christen narrows her eyes. "You really wanna argue about this right now?"  
  
Tobin sighs. "No."  
  
"I'll... think about it," Christen says. "But I like it here. It's less... oppressive than L.A. I feel free here."  
  
"Okay," Tobin shrugs. "I think I'm gonna stay here a little while too."  
  
Christen grins. "I think I like that idea."  
  
"Me too," Tobin smiles back. "Maybe we can be free here, together."  
  
"I think I like that idea even more."  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for humoring me by actually reading this, I hope you liked it! Now that summer is approaching I'm going to try to work myself back into writing my other stories, so keep an eye out for those.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think here or over on tumblr at llostt-in-ttranslationn and feel free to yell at me for being gone for so long.


End file.
